We have this hedge of Holly bushes in our front yard. I had to trim them the other day. Now I don’t like trimming or pruning stuff because I’m scared I’m going to kill the poor things. I don’t want their blood (I mean sap) on my hands. So what I do is shear the new growth off the top but not too much. The result is that these shrubs are gradually getting taller. At this rate in a few years I will need a bucket lift to trim them.
I need advice. I need to know when to trim, how much to trim, when to be tender, when to be aggressive. I need an expert. I need Janet Carson, the Queen of the Crape Myrtles. If you’re not from Arkansas you probably don’t know her. She is with the University of Arkansas Agricultural Extension Service and she writes for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. She knows everything about anything that grows and she hates how people butcher Crepe Myrtles. I’m just saying don’t get her started.
So I think I need to write her a letter. Something like this:
I have this friend who…
(You don’t think I’m going to say I need help, do you? After all I am a guy you know.)
I have this friend who needs some advise on how to prune Holly bushes. When should he prune them? How much can he safely trim? When is the best time to prune aggressively to keep them from getting too tall?
I’ve tried to give him some advice but he won’t listen to me.
Thank you for your assistance.
Have you noticed how men like to act like they know everything? You get three or four guys together and oneupsmanship is the name of the game.
“I’ve got a kitchen drawer that is falling apart that I need to fix.”
“You don’t know how to do that? That’s simple. Just use a double blind dado tenon joint.”
The other guys nod their head sagely.
I say, “But I don’t have a table saw.”
Guy #1. “Don’t need one. Saber saw and circular saw is all you need.”
Guy #2. “I just use a hammer and chisel.”
Guy #3. “I use my teeth.”
So I’m just saying I don’t need help. I know what I’m doing. But I’ve got this friend who…